So anyway there they were, galumphing through the woods, Skiperdoo was smashing daisies as he usually does on their galumphing trips. They were singing the Slavic National anthem for no apparent reason, when Blanche stumbled upon a mighty boulder in the middle of Kentucky blue grass. On it sat a crumpet, which she promptly took for medicinal purposes. Skiperdoo got a little crazy and fastened some branches to his head to look like a reindeer, (too many daisy’s I guess).
They came to a large clearing in the woods, and there was an old man with long white hair and a long white beard. He was wearing nothing but a metallic silver loincloth, and had clearly missed his annual shower day. As they approached him they noticed he was whiffing smelling salts, and humming a tune which very closely resembled Pink Floyds “Dark side of the moon.”
“Hello! Old man,” Blanche said to him, and he began to laugh historically. (Not hysterically mind you, for it was an historic moment, no one quite knows why).
“I know you Blanche, I have been waiting for you to come…he he he!”
“What? Who are you old man? And how do you know my name?”
“Woof!”
“Your right Skiperdoo, he is an enchanter and knows all.”
“Actually I just looked it up in the phone book… roast squirrel?” as he handed her a stick with a very charcoaled looking late squirrel.
“No thank you. Old man by what name are you known?”
“I am Smitty Von Yagerminjensen, but the woodland creatures and my manicurist call me bill.”
“What? What does bill have to do with Smitty Von Yag… whatever your name was?”
“Well… come to think of it, my financial adviser also calls me Bill… But never mind that! Blanche you sneaky old hag, you were trying to distract me to steal my magic chunky-O’s. Well you can’t have them! I already ate them, Ha!”
“What! No! I don’t want any of your cereal old man, I just want to know why I am here, what do you want of me?”
“Why do you keep calling me old man? Look at you, your know spring Chicken either. Bytheway, what are you doing this weekend miss? Eh eh!”
“Ew! No! Tell me why you have brought me here or we shall leave!”
“Well, I am getting frail in my old age and need someone to bathe me…
(Blanche Cringes with a horribly disgusted and contorted face)
You see I can’t reach this spot on my back anymore and…”
“Sick! We’re leaving! Come on Skippy, spit that squirrel out, you don’t know where it’s been.”
“No! Wait! I have some advice for you Blanche. I perceive you have great potential, and great powers!”
“Well, I am the PTA president back home…”
“You must choose your path Blanche, you may use your greatness for good of for evil. I can help you learn to master and control your abilities, for only four easy payments of $ 29.95.”
“What! $ 29.95, but um…”
“All right! All right, fine, just give me that stupid crumpet, and we’ll call it even, I havn’t had anything but roast squirell in years. And what about Skiperdoo, Does he have any special powers?”
“Ummm…. He can bark in 52 different languages, and 170 different sub-dialects.”
“…………Oh……….Fascinating… anyway, here take this sparkly purple cloak, it will help you in your travels.”
“Wow! A purple cloak, is it magic?”
“Actually! It’s really a cheap trinket! But the squirrels seem to like it.”
“Oh…”
“My late wife knitted it herself.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, how did she die?”
“Oh she’s not dead, she’s just late. She used to go on long walks to pick nuts and berries, and just one day, she never came back, I’ve waited and waited, dinner is cold by now.”
“She never came back?”
“Nope, see, she decided at the age of 65 that she would walk five miles every day. She would be 82 now, and 31,046 and a quarter miles away. I don’t know where the heck she is. I ain’t seen her in 17 years. Sigh.”
“Well thank you for the cloak.”
“You must choose Blanche, balance your chi, and harness your ultimate powers! Choose between good and evil, light or dark, Black or white, life and death, rice and beans…”
“What? Rice and beans?”
(The old man holds out two bowls)
“Well, which will it be rice or beans?”
“Um, I’ll take the rice I guess.”
“Ah… Then I shall have the beans.”
As they sat a while eating their bowls of food the old man paused, looked up and said,
“I’m sorry Blanche but you have chosen poorly, I am ashamed, and I sense much conflict of judgment in you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You should have never let me have the beans, now you shall unleash a power to great and terrible to bear!”
(FART!!! Skiperdoo faints)
“I warned you, last time I had one that big, the squirrels were out for hours. Well Blanche, this is but the first step in your magical quest; use your feelings in good judgment. Now go.”
Blanche Dawned her cloak, picked up her furry companion and left Bill to his smelling Salts.
A few hours later Blanche and skiperdoo (who had awoke by this time) stumbled upon a half of a large heard of cattle, or better known as a not so large heard of cattle, grazing in the southeast portion of the west corner on the northern hills. They were prostrate on their backs, and all in the attitude of attempting to walk crab style while singing Khumbia.
Suddenly Skiperdoo had a stupid idea. While Blanche had her back turned powdering her nose, Skippy jumped on one of the cows and rode it off a cliff into a deep cavern of natural springs. Blanche turned to find her little buddy drowned in the billowing deep.
Blanche new she had to go on without him. The mega Stores Grand sale was just miles away through the dark forest, and everything was 70% off for that day only!
So leaving her furry little friend in his watery grave she trudged through the dark thorn filled forest, fighting danger and evil along her way, including a giant ear of corn.
When she reached the edge of the thicket, she found skiperdoo lying in a puddle of mud, with a note, which read,
“You dropped this- signed the old man”
So Blanche picked up her stunned little friend, who had vowed never to go cliff diving again, or bull riding for that matter, and the two of them walked off into the sunset, to the Stores Grand sale.
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