Blanche awoke one day to find a man dressed in a plaid grass hula skirt, standing at her bedside. He startled her by saying “I am Gnefkin! Lord of Cumquats!” and he handed her a custom made cumquat. He then serenaded her with his accordion but then disappeared by running smack into the wall and turning into a dust bunny. He was then carried away by the wind, and a magical rainbow. She starred in wonder and amazement at this newfound gift. What was a Cumquat?
She set it aside and began to do her morning Jazzercising with her new “Tina and the fuzzy chicks” workout video. Suddenly the cumquat began to gurgle and golup. She at first paid it no mind but then it began to bounce around the house and it broke her grandmother’s old antique vase. So Blanche went straight to the book fare and bought “how to control a cumquat.”
She returned to find that the cumquat had painted the Sistine chapel on her ceiling with nothing more than toothpaste and raspberry jam. He had also erected an alter to burn incense to the Lord of the produce section, in her front yard. And he turned her horse cart into a monument to the great and terrible Bill.
She decided that the cumquat had to go. Skiperdoo tried to help but just received an enormous blow to the head by the cumquat. After many different attempts, including casting a spell, Blanche finally lured the cumquat into a cage with a floppy disc and a paring knife. Once inside the cage it stopped moving entirely. In fact the cumquat made absolutely no noise whatsoever. Blanche was satisfied with the new disposition of this little terror, and became at ease after a while.
Then strange things began to happen around the farm. First the chickens got chicken pox and died of pneumonia. Then a large gapping hole appeared in the middle of blanche’s flowerbed. She went out to the barn to find one of the three new horses completely bald and as smooth as a baby’s bottom. There was also a monkey throwing marbles into a bucket of water, just outside the fence.
Blanche became suspicious, and sought advice from a mental health care provider. The first appointment went well, although Blanche had used up her entire piggy bank, which she was going to donate to bald women. But upon arrival for her second appointment she found that the psychiatrist had mysteriously died. He had choked on a plastic spoon and drank an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol to sterilize the dirty spoon. He died in 3 seconds of internal hemorrhaging.
She went home in sadness, and walked in to find the house dead silent, and the cumquat sitting ever so still in the cage with a malicious air about him.
“What have you done to Skiperdoo, what did you do to the shrink! And my house! Why are you doing these things to me, have you no morals at all? Did you ever have a mother!?” The cumquat starred at her and Blanche could hear a faint mischievous gnome like chuckle.
She decided that the cumquat was the cause of all this folly and must therefore die; so she had cumquat for dinner, it was delicious. So Blanche was once again at peace on the little farm, after she found Skiperdoo… who did not die; but was buried up to his ears in jell-o by the voodoo curse of said late cumquat. All is well… but some say, to this day, when the moon is high and the tub is full, if you listen carefully, one can hear the distant and ever so faint chuckle of the cumquat.
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